Dear Diary,
I am drowning in a sea of happiness. Oh, I know what that usually
means. Everything is perfect, life couldn’t be more wonderful, all
that shit. But drowning in anything is hardly a pleasant situation,
and the environment you are suffocating in is usually one you would
rather remove yourself from.
I am drowning in a sea of happiness. Slightly more depressing this
time, isn’t it?
I am drowning in a sea of smiling faces, each obscure and out of
focus, like a cheap movie. I can’t tell one person from another,
one face from someone else’s. Except his.
His face is crystal clear. I look up from this sea of happiness I am
drowning in, and do not see a savior, reaching out a hand to help me
breath. I see a man, leering, reaching out a hand to hold me under
until I stop breathing.
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE MOTHER FUCKER!
Sorry, dear diary. I’m so sorry. I’m trying to tell you my secret
of the day, and I am shaking so bad I can barely get it out. Am I
angry? Yes. Furious. So enraged that I can barely see sometimes. But
I’m mostly scared.
They say the worst part about drowning is that you die alone. I feel
so alone.
I am drowning in a sea of happiness. A sea of smiling faces surround
me, and I want so badly to breath them in. But I’m too scared to
open my mouth. I’m so scared, and sometimes I feel like I’d
rather drown then open my mouth and let them in.
I don’t know who I’m supposed to trust.
I feel so alone. I want to talk to someone, need to talk, but every
time I’m greeted by a friend
YOU SHIT! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND! FUCK YOU! FUCK!!!
Oh God.
Every time I’m greeted by a friend, I open my mouth, to cry, to cry
for help, to ask forgiveness, to scream in rage, but my shame makes
everything stick to the back of my throat. And everybody tells me
they love what I did with my hair. It looks so good cut so short, and
blond makes my eyes sparkle.
I want to scream at them that my eyes are sparkling because they are
merely the lids to my tear ducts, and the reservoir is so full it’s
been overflowing lately. I want to shout at the top of my lungs. I
want to tell them that if I thought it would do any good I would have
shaved my head completely. But that would only make me feel more
naked. And more ashamed.
I lost count of how many showers I took. How many times I sank to the
floor of the bathtub and let my tears mingle with water that was
supposed to make me feel clean. But every time I got beneath the
spray of water, it splashed hard against my body, like a fist it
pummeled me. And no matter how long I stayed under those fists of
liquid, I never felt cleaner. Purer. I felt dirtier. Soiled and used.
So I would turn the water back on again.
So many times I wanted to plug the drain and let the water fill the
tub. Then I could sink beneath the water and be justified that what I
was feeling and what was actually happening were one and the same.
I’m such a stubborn bitch. If I give up, he wins. If I stay silent,
he wins. But if I bare my shame to the world, I lose. I lose my
pride, my self-respect, my determination.
My desire to live now rests completely on the desire to never see
this happen again.
So you watch out asshole. I may be alone, and scared, and merely a
woman, that you took advantage of and tossed away like an empty
liquor bottle. But you didn’t realize that the bottle wasn’t
empty. I was a bottle full of possibilities. You should never throw
away a full bottle. You should put in on a shelf and keep it. But you
poured me out and threw me away, and I am nothing now but a puddle of
fear and self loathing.
But I am also angry. And my wrath will be your scourge. And the
scourge of your friends. And the scourge of my friends. I know who
you are now. I may feel cheap, but this will pass, because I did not
make myself feel this way. You will always be a bastard. Apologize a
thousand times, because you were wrong. Apologize a thousand more,
and maybe I will forgive you. But this is something we both will live
with for the rest of our lives, and I will never let you forget it.
This misery I have should have belonged to you. This fear I have
should have paralyzed you. You should have been the one to feel
alone. Wipe that goddamn smirk off your face and stop telling
everyone how much fun your party was. You may not feel these things
now, and maybe you never will. But I swear no one else will either.
Oh dear diary, thank you. Thank you for listening, though you have no
ears. Thank you for comforting me, though you cannot hug, though I
cannot hide in your embrace. You are my life preserver in a sea of
faces. Though no one knows what I know. I have at least found the
strength to tell you. Maybe I will be able to tell someone else.
Someday. But not today. Today I shall stop crying tears of shame, and
cry the cleansing tears of resolve. And you will cry them with me.
Tomorrow is for hope. Tomorrow is for fighting. Tomorrow is for never
drinking again. Tomorrow is for foregiveness.
But it’s still today. And today, I still can’t trust anyone, yet.
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